i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
