We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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