why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
