I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
