peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
