Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
