i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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