im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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