Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
