Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
