My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
