Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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