Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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