I wish I only lived at night.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
