I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
