i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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