Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
