I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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