Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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