tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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