JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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