I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
