I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.