Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
