Pants 0. Shit 1.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
