allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
