at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
