Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
