Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Rumble strips road head = magical
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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