I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
