So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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