The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
