dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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