she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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