census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
