is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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