she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
