Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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