I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
