as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
