you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Watching her eat just hurts me
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
