dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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