Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
