Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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