Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
