last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Dear god my vagina.
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