You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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