Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
