I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
