dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
