She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
