I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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