I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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