Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
