My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Randomize
