Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
