Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
