i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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