My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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